The Pill That Saves My Life.

The thin white line between me and misery is Prozac.

I remember exactly how I felt when the Prozac started working. It was stunning.

For the first time in my life, the voice in my head shut off. This wasn’t a Son of Sam type voice telling me I was God or his son; the voice was my inner critic. We all have inner critics, and I can’t speak for anyone else’s, but mine was a real asshole. Not only did he not have my best interests at heart, he wasn’t even on my side. All he cared about was that I didn’t think too highly of myself, because if I did, well, that might make other people feel threatened or uncomfortable.

Here’s an example. I’m presenting an idea for a new initiative to my boss. As my words are coming out, in my head, my inner critic fills me in on how he thinks I’m doing: Oh Jesus…He hates this idea. Look at him. He’s completely checked out. He thinks you’re an imbecile and he deeply regrets hiring you.

He was always there, judging me. What I watched. What I wore. What I said, thought and ate. Evaluating every glance, whether from a loved one or a passing stranger. When I dared think something positive, he’d immediately tell me why I shouldn’t have. She only agreed to go out with you because she felt sorry for you…Sure, he said he liked that one idea, but remember, he hated the ten that came before it…

That was my life. As you might have guessed, it wasn’t great.

But then Prozac silenced the voice. It felt, without exaggeration, like a miracle. I could sense the space, the quiet that greeted the sudden absence of the voice. It was like standing suddenly alone in a large room, after everyone at the party you didn’t want to be at finally went home.

Once I grew accustomed to the quiet, I had the space to start figuring out who I really was. That’s what I’ve been working on ever since. And recently, I got to a point where I’d never felt happier (The fact that this came during a global pandemic is something I’ll write about another time). By muting the voice of my critic, Prozac made space for my own voice to emerge.

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